...I hate life!...the less I do, think, say or feel, the (hopefully) less chance to get into trouble...the (again, hopefully) less chance to get into trouble, the less chance to argue, disagree or fight...the more chance for peace & quiet, and silence is the key!...nothing is gained by talking about work problems at home...there is no comfort, no goal, no light at the end of the tunnel...there is no rest, no pleasure, no vacation, no getting away from it all...the harder I try to do a good job, the more I get slapped or shoved down...I hate everything!...I am sick and tired of everything...there is nobody and no place for me to turn to or to talk about my problems...I am told that since Brad has been diagnosed as being depressed, I should not burden him with additional stressful situations...I hate Hope; I hate seeing her, I hate hearing her, especially when she's wrong about a mistake she thinks I made...I am tired of having to substantiate myself to a clerk...I would like to walk away from everything, just disappear forever, but I am too damned a coward to actually do something like that!...Hell has returned to my life!...I am so damned angry but can't talk to anyone about it, because I don't want to use leave and I don't want to travel...I need all the rest I can get since I have 3 time-bomb diseases inside of me...and I can constantly think of excuses as to why I should avoid seeking help!...I just don't care!...(down left)...
...I hate life & myself...I am just waiting for the time when it's over!...but I am still an analyst...I complain a lot, then put my thoughts on paper...it's a minor relief from dealing with this stressful situation...I feel like crying most of the time...but I don't (not just yet)...my stomach hurts, but that could be due to the extra caffiene...even with lots of pills, I don't sleep well anymore...(down left)...
...as previously mentioned, the last week in March, 2002 was a hard one for my body, mind & soul...I don't care about anything!...why should I go see a physician about depression?...he will only tell me what I know and what I should do to feel better...in a perfect world, all other problems would stop, no additional crises would begin, and my dreams would come true...but this is a nightmare realm...(up right)...
...I don't really feel like talking or dealing with anyone unless forced to...I am thankful for voice & E-mail...I don't feel like being with anyone, just stay at home, write what I feel on my web site, and go to work...I am a complete and utter nervous wreck!...(lower left)...
...3/29/02: I worry every time Brad or I use a credit card, because I'm not sure what's the next move if we max out the remaining pieces of plastic...I worry about the renewal of the lease...but I would do whatever I could to continue renting this apartment, even if it meant asking the NMAS or work for assistance!...(up right)...
...why go anywhere?...I can't afford to buy anything except groceries, comics & medications...I have nothing I want to talk about...and I do feel sorry for myself...damn right, and I don't give a damn that I do!...I have and feel no reason to say anything...why bother?...I don't feel much about anything...I do not feel like doing anything, which includes watching TV...I just sit by myself in my "office", staring at a monitor that has become my "friend"...I think I keep staring at the screen, hoping that if I press the right keys that an answer will appear to solve my problems...most of the time, I end up with a headache or a sore neck...more to complain about...(go down left)...
...3/31/02: and I can't pick up the phone and speak to Brad because of our current financial situation...E-mail is also out since PC is not hooked up due to the location of phone jacks...right now I feel my motto is "Don't know, don't care."...my emotions get subdued during the weekend...soon it will be time to face the unknown...my song: track 10 from the musical Spirit...I am tired of dealing with conflict after conflict with no one to help me...(up right)...
...I know the only person who can help me is myself, so I've got to keep trying...why?...well, I don't really now "why" yet, but let's take things one step at a time!...And so, it begins!...but at times I feel I lack the desire, motivation, and/or the initiative to continue...(just below)...
...4/1/02: it is time to wake up!...maybe reducing the dosage of ALTACE could help...I have to get out of my "cave" (aka 'office'), and see TV or just be with Brad!...but even I know he doesn't want to be with me, and who can blame him?...as of now, I will watch the X-Files...spend more time with my partner than my monitor...and smile!...all those muscles I used while frowning deserve a rest!...(directly below)...
It does not bother me!It does not bother me!It does not bother me!
...well, I didn't say that nothing lasts forever!...4/8/02: had a panic attack during the night...midway I was able to bring myself under control...however, it's easy to let things get out of control when you are not busy...alll you do is think...sometimes it feels like you're falling into an abyss!...then it's time to start the climb up...other thoughts that sit & stew in the back of my head...the fact that I have three diseases in my body, that I am keeping under control...as of now, I am the winner...but one day, one or two or all three will claim victory, and I will lose the game...it ain't pessimism, it's the medical truth!...(shift down to left)...
...4/17/02: Wah! I feel miserable...I am so sad inside ...I don't want to watch TV...I just want to hide...back to my cave...alone...I feel there's a gap between Brad & myself...it's as if I won't know anything from him unless I ask and he wants to answer the question...like I've said before, silence prevents fights...(up right)...
...5/6/02: I hate life! I'm not sure if I would rather be in DC, alone, or dead...every time Brad says something that ruffles my feathers, he gets mad at me for feeling that way...I should get a envelope with the desired emotion written on a note...silence is better...
I give up! I surrender! I have lost the war and the struggle to fight!
...8/20/02: some time has passed: this was Ann's next to last day, Rosanne is out until 8/27/02, Roxanne is out & Geri does the Rounds then disappears (she is a Senior Coder)...today I wish I were back in DC just to talk to someone...this is my cybertherapy...writing how I feel...there's not much else I can do...I am trapped & powerless, unable to do a damned thing...anybody can do anything (or nothing), and I can't do a blessed thing...months ago, Brad & I had an argument, and he was right when he said I cannot make him get out of the apartment...he can just sit there and do absolutely nothing, unless I take the next step and call the police...at that point, he could kill Captain, break my Kachinas, slash my clothes; and there's nothing I could do to prove that he did it...not bad for life, huh?...
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