Transition, and Sadness

I hope that some point in the future, I can read this paragraph & laugh. However, life has been "Hell", even in the Land of Enchantment. There has been periods when enormous pressure & insurmountable odds faced us every way we turned. At times, the stress has challenged & threatened our relationship. It is not easy when you have no friends or people to help solve a problem, seek advise or just to talk about things. Many times there are periods of fear, doubt, uncertainty & depression. You feel lost & alone ("a blue funk"). You just want to hide. There is nobody you know, everything is unfamiliar and it's hard to decide what to do get answers. Hopefully, this will pass.

By July 10, 2001 Brad wanted to leave and just die. A lot of talking & crying persuaded him for now. The end of July was another very depressing time. Deep depression settled in; I did not want to do anything except sit in the apartment, sometimes work on my web page, read a little & sleep. Eating was not important. I went outside only when necessary. I have no goals, no plans, nothing definite in my life. I am scared & unhappy. And I don't know what to do. Note: I know that some of this is due to my personality. By that I mean that for twenty years, I have been helping other employees solve problems & answer questions. Many were polite & thankful. A gesture, a kind word or an E-mail of their appreciation made me "feel good". Now that is not the case. Brad is not one to lavish praise or say "Thank you" too often, unless he wants something or after we have had an argument. I hear about it when I do something wrong, a lot more often than a word of thanks when I do something right. Again, this is my perception of the situation.

Something we thought about may provide a clue. In winter, people suffer from SADD due to cloudy, gloomy weather. Perhaps we are suffering from a similar condition due to the consistently sunny weather. Our eyes & mind need a change. A cloudy, rainy day or days could be the answer. However, those are few & far between in this state. We were told by our barber that it becomes "less cloudy" in September! When we rented a car in early August, our goal was to find "the perfect cloud". So we will call ourselves "Follow that cloud/storm chasers"! And we did, lots of it during the various journeys throughout the area. We enjoyed the rain, thunder, lightning & rainbows!

But it did not work. Less than one day after we returned the car, August 9, 2001, I felt just as unhappy as before. I just want to hide in my "office", biding my time until I die. Brad is off in his own world, doing things around the apartment. I feel we just drift along & drift apart. It's pointless to say anything. It takes all my energy to want to do something. I have nobody to talk to; I miss my friends & neighbors as well as the people in Giant plus Dr. Cameron & his staff. The people are very (unusually) friendly in Albuquerque, but I miss people I knew. And it is not easy to make friends when all you want to do is stay inside, or do errands & return home to "hibernate". I think I hit rock bottom on August 11, 2001, then rock, rock bottom on August 12! I actually wished I were back in DC! Sob! Wah! On the evening of Augsut 12th, Brad & I had a looonnnggg talk; we found out we felt the same way and hashed some ideas arounnd! We have begun the process of trying to put aside negative thoughts and be alive.

Listen to music! Go out to eat! Watch a movie! Smile! Laugh! It just might be working! August 22, 2001: it stopped working. Brad told me he has had the "bottom fall out", and does not want to eat, just rest. So, life is quiet & upsetting. This, after he reserved a car for next week! I wish I had someone I could talk to about these situations.

There's probably a solution out there, but I can't find it. Peace returned that evening, after Mike had a series of long walks around Albuquerque. However, I still do not feel wanted here. He keeps asking where I want to go next week, I have no idea. I have had to handle this by myself, and it's hard to bounce back, when you have no one helping you or to talk to for advice or suggestions during the emotional crisis! I am emotionally drained. I can put up a good front, but it wears you down. Another "bottom bottom of the rock bottom" conversation took place on August 24; followed by a tearful August 25. We'll see where life goes from there. Maybe life will improve when we have jobs. The days spent driving around New Mexico were enjoyable; Brad actually said he felt "happy".

We felt we had overcome the fear of being in a strange city. That may be so, but it was short lived. For one reason or another, Mike cannot take a picture with the digital camera due to lack of complete knowledge on how to use it. Some angry words, and the wall is created.

Silence persists.

By early September, the East Coast friends are just memories. So far, there is no sadness or depression, just hurt & anger. And lots of silence. Early September, the silence is changing. Brad apologizes for things he has said or done that have upset me. I enjoy this 'kinder, gentler' man. We are busy on our own projects; Mike is downstairs on the PC, Brad is upstairs creating furniture or paintings. And Captain journeys from "human" to "human", when he's not eating or sleeping.

But things changed on September 11, 2001; when we witnessed the destruction of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon attack. Immediately we were concerned about the safety of our friends in DC. An attempt to place a phone call proved useless, so E-mails were sent to those who had kept in touch with us. Fortunately, they are doing as well as possible, but there is the smell and smoke of burning material in the air. Like New York, this 'cloud' will not disappear quickly, but is doing so slowly. However, as of now, the fires at the Pentagon have been put out. Strange as it seems, we wish we were in DC to help in any way possible. We will do what we can from here.

We have also found out that we are a possibly secondary 'target'. Because of Kirtland AFB, Los Alamos Labs & Sandia Labs, downtown Albuquerque was evacuated. Events like the State Fair were halted. Malls closed. Life stopped. And when it started again on Wednesday, September 12, 2001, life was not the same. We are proud Americans, but we are also unsure what will happen next, either by our country or the terrorists. Life has changed. "Business as normal" has been put on hold.

Anger has replaced sadness. Sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I feel glad that I no longer live in DC. But future plans cannot be determined since, honestly, we don't know what's going to happen to the country (or the world) in the next few months! Might as well enjoy it while you can! We as citizens have too many things to handle at one time: the attacks, the economy, family security & travel for business, school or leisure. No one has done anything to change the way we feel. They have said it, but nothing has been done that can erase or remove what we saw & how we felt by the end of the day on September 11, 2001. We are a society in panic, lashing out and trying to solve these problems by using antiquated thinking (aka '20th century ideology'). Right now, whoever did this has thrown an entire country, the mightiest superpower, into chaos. More than 80 other countries have been affected by the bombings.

We are sad, we are scared and we are angry! And we are crying for vengance but we don't know who the enemy is! We have suspicions but until we have absolute proof, we are dealing with the unknown!

Tuesday, 11/6/01: I think I've been pushed over the edge. (Mike W).